About Me....

Well I was changing my Myspace profile, and I actually got pretty detailed thought I'd share it...I need some help shaving it down....


It was time for a change, new year start out fresh right?

I'm 27 years old, I live in smalltown USA, where if you don't want someone to know, they are SURE to know all about it before your even sure the details yourself....

I work at a medical products plant, I'm a volunteer firefighter for Apollo Hose Co. #2, and I'm a trained massage therapist which I practice in my spare time and am hoping to pursue a little more throughly in 2008.

Work...I work at Cook Vascular full time, in the 'Lead Extraction' department. We make devices that remove Heart lead devices (such as pacemaker leads when the time comes to have them replaced). I've been there over 9 years now, I never in a million years thought I'd be able to say I worked ANYWHERE for 9 years. When I was hired there it was for a year til I went back to school to pursue a career in Computer Science. Well how the times have changed me.

Firehall...I have been a member of the same fire department for 13 years. I joined as a 'junior firefighter' on my 14th birthday. I was pretty much born into the place, I grew up there, as my family has always been involved. I'm a 3rd Generation firefighter after my dad and my grandfather. Currently I will be starting my second year in a 2 year term as Fire Department President, and I am also the appointed Accountability Officer, who's job is to be accountable for everyone on the fire or emergency scene. We are still trying to develop our system, as that position is new as of middle of 2007.


Massage...I'm a trained massage therapist. Finished Massage School in 2004, since then I have taken a couple extra classes to learn some 'energy work' and 'Hot Stone Massage'. Life has kept me busy and I've gotten away from trying to build my own massage business, I'd like to try to work on that a bit more this coming year and see if I can make a go of it!

Aside from all of that, I love my friends and my family, and of course my puppy Wickett! :) And enjoy spending time with them.

Merry Christmas!

Just taking a moment before I head out to help with the cooking preperations.

The gift is done, just have to wrap it...right after I show my mom to see what she thinks.

Wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Please be safe! Enjoy the love of family and friends and remember what its really about!


Love to all my friends!

Christmas preperation

Well, just finished the last of the Christmas cookie baking, did the traditional sugar cookie baking with the Momma, minus our little decorator, he's getting too OLD to bake cookies.... :( So needless to say, our cookies aren't as elaborate as years past. I'm trying very hard to stay in the christmas spirit. We are just having 'family day' this year, have been very minimal on the presents, a lot of small things under the tree. Nothing major, nothing to put me into major dept this year.

Actually, a lot of my presents are homemade....the biggest undertaking of which I am STILL putting off at this very moment by sitting here blogging instead of dragging out the scrapbooking things. As presents go, this one should be fairly easy, I just am afraid he is going to hate it. One of my best friends, I have been invited to join his family for their Christmas celebration on the 26th, he's one of 3 children and I love his parents as if they were my own. The sisters and his mom were easy, his dad wasn't quite so easy, but problem solved, he's the only one not getting a handmade gift not counting the cookie tray I'll be taking. Now there is just the boy....I have all the pictures printed out, that was half the battle in itself deciding what to use....now its just putting them all together....I have about 1000 ideas floating around in my head...just don't know how I'm going to put them out there on the pages.

I have chosen to make a me and my best friend album, for the most part....and I'm so afraid by making a not choosing something more general its not going to be as much enjoyed....I think that's why I keep putting this off. I only have tonight truely to work on it before Holiday festivities commence, last night I couldn't do anything cause he was here with me.....

Schedule looks like this....

• Pre Holiday dinner with parents best friends 4p.m. today Including cards following dinner and cleanup.
• Tomorrow, get up, walk across street to commence Christmas cooking, Ham, potatoes and whatever else mom tells me we're making.
  
• Christmas Eve dinner at 4 p.m.
• Time with Family
• Christmas morning presents, Christmas breakfast and family day.
• Sleep, 4:30 a.m. alarm clock to try to make up some of the pay for being off with no pay on Monday.....
• Work til 3:30....places to go you see....
  
• Stop home for presents, cookies and the Wickett..... head to Extended family Christmas function.

I feel like that darned character from Alice in Wonderland...I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for a very important date....

So in the world of being a firefighter, you basically sign up to drop everything and anything ANY time someone needs help in an emergency capacity, whether its 3 a.m. or just as your sitting down to a special dinner with your family.

Not only is it tis the season in the holiday sense, its also the season for those volunteer alarms to ring more frequently, be it for a fender bender cause the winter weather makes the roads a bit slippery or as unfortunate as it is and as has happened a few times in the last few weeks, someone loosing their house and all their worldly belongings. Its a very sad thing.

In the volunteer 'business' there is always along with the safety of other people, its the safety of your own, those coming out to FIGHT the fire and try to save what we can. In my department I am called the 'accountability officer' I keep track of those on the emergency scene, where they are and are they safe. Its a very HUGELY important job, cause it helps insure no one gets left behind. I'm fairly good at 'picking' people out in a crowd, at least in fire capacity.

I have grown up with people at my firestation, I've been there pretty much since the day I was born. Being an only child, I have adopted my own exteneded family as we all spend so much time at that home away from home, I don't know if there is any other way to think of them. Then there are the other people that you choose to have in your life as friends that you meet along the way do to the service that fall into that same place in your life. There are quite a few, the don't belong to my station, besides the ones I grew up with that don't run at my station anymore that I love very much or care very deeply about. . .

So when the tones drop for my neighbor company and they say 'WORKING STUCTURE FIRE' There is a bit of panic, knowing those loved ones are going, and I'm not gonna be there to watch and keep track all myself. I go get dressed warm, head out to help with coffee detail, when MY tones drop for standby. Go to station, sit and twiddle my thumbs, come home and get a msg from my dear 'daughter'* saying 'my baby and my dad were on the same line...I was scared!'
My heart DROPS!

This is when I HATE not being in the same department as all my loved ones!!!


*Said daughter is 16 year old amazing sweet girl who sometimes lovingly refers to me as MOM, said daughter also has a sweetheart boyfriend, and dad's pretty cool too.


Picture is from last night....

I made it thru the night!

Well, first venture in the 'trying to be friends' thing happened last night. Common friend home from the military, was invited to go out with the group, decided not to go yesterday morning, I had a bad feeling.....as the night went on feeling went away, knew he'd be there with his new girl. After the begging of my friend, and knowing there were others out and MY crew was only 2 minutes away I beautified and headed out.

I wish I could have taken a picture of his face when I walked in, cause I'm pretty sure his immediate trip to the bathroom after was to clean his pants cause I'm pretty sure he shit them! She seems very nice, we were in a joint conversation with Tan. Very quiet cause she didn't know any of us, and WAY too nice for him, but what do I know?

It WAS a fun night, I'm very glad I went out.We got to 'my' club (excuse the ownership lol) had a blast, and at that point just stayed on the opposite end of the bar. Got gently abused by 2 of my favorite KT guys, almost got 'SUCKER' written on my forehead LITERALLY! But it was good fun.

AND FOR THE BEST PART.... wait for it, wait for it.....
I MADE IT THRU THE WHOLE NIGHT AND DIDN'T CRY ONCE!!!!!! Not even when I got home and was by myself. Maybe just maybe I CAN have my friend back least a little bit.

It didn't used to hurt this bad....

LAST NIGHT WAS A BLAST!!!!!!!!! This morning HURTS!!!!!

It was dance night again last night. Food prep was even fun, then we had our local Christmas parade, had to stop the parade for half of it to leave for a fire...

Dance time, djing wasn't so bad this time around, got to do my thing for the most part. Had a good time with friends, had a little too much to drink, ended up out AFTER the dance, had fun despite avoiding certain people.

Almost walked right outta the bar as soon as I walked in, I miss having him as a friend, I truly do, but I'm scared, finally started putting the pieces back together . I miss having him around to talk to, and last night would've been a lot more fun if I hadn't had to focus so much attention on trying to stay outta the same space he was around.

Am I strong enough to be friends with someone I was in love with for so long, and inflicted so much pain? I'm the one that let my guard down and let myself get confused about what exactly was going on. Am I stupid for wanting to be able to at least coexist with him for the fact we have many common friends and chances are when I'm out with them, he may end up there too?

I don't want to pour my heart out to him and go to him with everything, the days of him being the closest person to me are over. The last 2 times we've been in the same place, things have been alright. I've spent more time those 2 times trying to stay away from him, hence taking away from my fun evening. I didn't even cry til last night when he apologized for all the things he'd done to hurt me, pointing out things individually...

When I started this post I had planned on focusing on the fact that I'm feeling older in the fact that I didn't have that much to drink last night and the next morning after a night out didn't used to hurt so bad.....guess I got a little off track.

May be back.....feeling a little philosophical today.

Tribute to a lost friend...

Saturday it will be 10 years since you have been gone. I can't believe so much time has passed. You were so wise, and you never once seemed bothered when the little teenage and younger pain I was came following you around.

You never batted an eye when I asked a question or for advice. You were always so willing for a hug or a kind word when I needed it the most.

I sat and cried the other day when I thought of you, cause I didn't think I could remember your voice, and clear as day I heard you tell me to stop it that you were right here with me. I know your there, I can feel you sometimes, as well as the other wonderful people we've lost.

I talk to you when I feel overwhelmed, and I feel comfort in knowing that you are out there somewhere listening to me. Sometimes I swear your right there beside me. You guys all like to mess with me when I'm up there by myself sometimes, just to keep me on my toes, and I know when the cards and chips come out, that ur there too.

You taught me a lot in the time I knew you, and I have kept that with me. Even years after you were called home you and things you have said factored into the choices I've made.

For that I'm proud to have been able to call you my friend.

So as I sit and reflect, thank you, for the laughs, the advice and the friendship. And I raise my glass to you now as I honor you my friend. You are loved and sadly missed.

Theme for my life.

I could not live without music. It helps me get thru my day when I don't want bothered with listening to peoples nonsense at work or just gets me motivated sometimes. Not to mention I love to dance!

So sometimes there are things in life that you listen to a song and the words sound like they've been ripped out of your life.

I've had a hard time 'starting over' Tuesday was a year that all that tangled mess started, being around him the other night I realized that the person he is now ISN'T who I wanted anyway....I wanted the one that made me his world, what seems now like forever ago, not the person he is now. Saw a glimpse of that old person the night I made him cry. But he's so far buried I don't think he'll ever get out.

Tattoo, by Jordin Sparks

Sick of playing all of these games
It’s not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror didn’t deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could stop
Admit that I’m wrong and then change my mind
Sorry but I’ve gotta be strong and leave you behind

I can’t waste time so give it a moment
I realized nothing’s broken
No need to worry about everything I’ve done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don’t look back at got a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You’re still a part of everything I do
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo
I’ll always have you

My happy Ending Avril Lavigne
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

And then on a much nicer note.......there are things you get surprised with when you aren't looking....I stopped looking, and am pretty sure I found someone showing an interest in me that isn't someone that needs 'to be fixed' I tend to be drawn towards 'broken people' you can't fix broken people. Something in me seems to find those that are in need of something and I fill the gap for a while, until in their eyes 'something better comes along'. I don't know what to make of it, I know I'm not reading much into it, but from the sounds of it I was sure topic of conversation yesterday....

All at once, by The Fray makes me smile (of course Her doesn't apply here)
There are certain people

You just keep coming back to

She is right in front of you.

You begin to wonder

Could you find a better one

Compared to her now

She's in question.



And all at once the crowd begins to sing

Sometimes the hardest thing and

The right thing are the same.



Maybe you want her

Maybe you need her

Maybe you started to compare

To someone not there.


Alright, now I must go do my volunteer duty and deal with the bingo ladies :( Wish me luck!

Ready to explode!

Its REALLY REALLY been one of those days!

The last few days have been GOOD, to put it mildly. Last weeks chaos has slowly settled itself down, dad got home, is back to work. Got thru the weekend and an interesting to say the least Saturday evening. Work was even OK yesterday, had a blast watching the game last night, and our Steelers WON!!! WOOHOOOO

Today has just been one of those days where nothing seems to go right. Got denied leave for dad if there is any more medical problems, then got chewed out for putting food on top of the fridge in the cafeteria. Last time I checked the food was SUPPOSED to go in the cafeteria.....where else would you like me to put it? If she'd have given me the opportunity I'd have very well shoved it where the sun didn't shine for her this morning! Well, top that with a person overhearing a small portion of a conversation and pissing me the hell off!

Story went on about me telling someone Saturday night that I wasn't stupid, I'm just a bit slow to wise up and get myself straightened out when some people are involved. Up chimes the evil bird telling me to keep telling myself that and they wouldn't tell me any different. I got upset, never turned around and so kindly thanked her for the insult, cranked my music as loud as I could possibly stand it and ignored from that point on.

Okay, look bitch! I'm FAR FROM STUPID! I know I may not make the wisest choices sometimes in my life, and give people far too much credit than they deserve sometimes. But if I'm stupid I am not alone LADY!

And on top of it all, I sat and let it bother me all day, I held the tears in as long as I could, got home and fell apart. If it was meant as a joke it sure was a nasty one.

I HATE IT THERE. If it weren't for a few people I'd be crazy insane!

Fun to be had!

Being a volunteer has a lot of responsibilites, but sometimes it has some fun moments. You have the trainings and the classes, and the meetings, the incessant 'beep beep beep' in the middle of the night at times, to go help someone in need. And then there are the fundraisers... cause if you don't make money to keep the building up and running and put fuel in the trucks and buy and maintain equipment, you aren't any help to anyone else when they need you.

So when you think fire departments, you think, boot drives, bingos, raffles and 'bash's (gun, cash, etc.). Then sometimes we can sneak something fun in there, fun for us as well that is. As long as I can remember (Rae I'm gonna borrow parts here) the first Saturday of every month was 'Oldies Dance day'. My fire department holds a dance, we call them Firehall dances now, was time for a change, cause its not all oldies anymore. Saturday morning we set the hall (if the guys weren't nice enough to set it Friday night during 'coffee night') cover the tables and make the food. I remember being a small child, Rae's dad and brother running off for their monthly haircut and coming back with "Dixon's donuts" and then having major battles with the table cover rolls and boxes as they got emptied.

Well, as I've grown, I am now allowed to help with the cooking, (scary I know) and I have started learning the world of djing... So tonight proves to be fun, we have lots of our friends joining us for the evening for good music, better company and what will it hurt if we shake our bootay's a bit? Add a little adult beverage and it could be for a crazy night!

Can anyone say bring on the jello shots?

Right quick

So 3 days in I break the promise to myself, but things were a bit crazy yesterday.

Dad's in hospital AGAIN :( Still there tonight.....drs aren't giving answers or explanations.


Sleep may be fitful, I may be back....

I have a whole list of topics to blog on...if I make it back....

Kids say the darnest things

So, , I grew up at the firehall. For the few that I know will read this, this is old hat...

I am an only child biologically, but have 8 siblings my choice and by those 8 siblings I have 9 'nieces and nephews' all of whom I love very much. And I have 2 people I call my bestests, one male, one female.

Tonight was the halloween parade in my town, and I skipped 'Playing fireman' and riding the trucks to enjoy the other end of it with some of the kids. We had our own little parade walking down, 3 strollers with little ones, and 2 of the bigger ones on my and my best friends back...fun fun, chased candy watched the firetrucks, back up the hill. Kids played and we girls hung out for a bit. Go to leave and am leaving the same time as my friend and my adoptive 'nephew' and I ask him when he's going to stay at my house.

The rest of the conversation went something like this...

He: Uh, How about tomorrow?
Me: *haha* How about a night that's not a school night?
He: Uh, okay, what are we gonna do.
Me: We can camp in the living room and watch Transformers
He: How are we going to do that, you don't have it!
Me: Yes I do, and we can watch anything you want!
Mom: And you have a tent that you can take and set up in the living room if you want to camp
Me: And I have an air mattress we'll put up and it'll be you me and the dog.
He: What about 'the boy'? Where is he gonna sleep?
Me: Uh honey he won't be there?
He: Where will he be?
Me: At home I don't know.
He: I thought ur home was his home.
Me: No he doesn't live with me.
He: Well he did
Me: No he never did.
He: Well then who did?


Ok, so maybe you don't find the humor in it that I did. But HE just turned 5, such grown up conversation for a 5 year old. And he loves 'the boy', he lets him climb all over him and beat him up, and climb all thru his vehicle.

Alright, that's it for me tonight. I am going to make an honest effort to post daily, we'll see how that works.

Fresh Start

New page, new name, fresh slate. When I started in the process of doing all of this tonight I felt like things were going to start heading in a new direction. Then the drama hit yet again!

I understand that you cannot make everyone happy all of the time, I truely do. But you give out awards that have been voted on by the membership and you get criticism and CRAP for a lack of a better non cuss word because of it.

Ok....calming down cause I have to, blood pressure is WAY too high! *Cleansing breaths, yoga UHM's* Ok.....maybe we'll start fresh tomorrow.....or later....